Number 2: A Story About Sister 2

My little sister, sister number two, turns 26 today. She quite possibly is one of the most hilarious individuals I know. As a kid, I remember her always making jokes, and as a result, always made friends lightening fast with her quick wit and silly antics. I don't remember a whole lot when Stephie was born (I mean I was just shy of turning four), but I do remember being told the day she was born that I was a big sister and this perplexed me. NOT because I wasn't excited to be a big sister (I most definitely was), but I was most concerned because I knew my birthday was just a few short days away and NOW her birthday was being celebrated first. So, I asked most perplexed, "Am I still going to be the big sister?"  Because in my three-year-old reasoning, the big sister's birthday should be celebrated first, you know chronological order. Oh, the logic of a three-year-old.

Apparently my reasoning capacity did not improve much after turning four. One of the next memories I have of Stephie was accidentally (almost) poisoning her. I would guess she was almost one, and it had to be right around Christmastime because my parents were putting together a few gag gifts for our grandmothers upcoming milestone birthday (her birthday is Christmas Eve). One of the gag gifts involved a black cane in which they wrote with a hot pink paint pen, "This is the only cain you'll be raising." I was instantly attracted to the hot pink paint pen (still love the color pink), and I just had to get my hands on it. Once I had it illegally in my possession I took it in my room and proceeded to paint my eleven-month-old sisters lips with the paint pen. I thought she looked stunning and I proceeded to show my parents her new "make-over" compliments of yours truly. Apparently, painting your sister's lips with toxic paint is frowned upon in this establishment.

I do believe my favorite childhood memory of Steph has to be the dirty word game! This game was invented just for Stephanie. Back in the day, I would say Steph was like five or six (I was probably nine or ten) she loved dirty words, kid style dirty words of course. She was constantly running around saying, "poop," "fart," "booger," "stupid," etc. My grandfathers wife, she-who-must-not-be-named, invented the game one summer when we were visiting our grandparents in Florida, as an idea to help thwart Stephs obsession with dirty words. The rules of the game were very simple: 1.) No one could say a "dirty word" all day long until after dinner time 2.) After dinner we would all take turns (round-robin style) saying one "dirty word" at a time (going as many rounds as necessary until we felt satisfied and could go all day tomorrow without saying a dirty word). Of course all day long I was thinking of the dirty words I wanted to express after dinner, would I really hit the mother load, with like a four-letter word?  Or would I take the easy street and say something totally expected like, "butthole?"

The game would start off innocently enough,
"Poop"
"Toe jam"
"Vomit"
"Skid marks"
"Fart face"

"Diarrhea"

"Bully-freckle fart" (that's a Woodson signature word)
...but then the adults would always ramp it up a notch after a few go-arounds,

"Vagina"

"Penis"

"Sex"

"Pubic hairs"

"Nipple"

"Damn-it"

"Foreplay"
"Orgasm"
"Dumb Ass"

I swear, by round four everyone would be laughing hysterically, and anxiously awaiting what the next person would say! It was a riot! I think the Woodson family should totally trademark this game...it just might be the next best seller?

Growing up I would say Steph wins the emergency room award. I have several memories of spending the evening watching TV from the Tinker AFB ER (because apparently getting seen by an ER doctor requires a minimum of a four hour wait). I am to blame for at least two of her ER visits. I went through a phase when I loved giving "pumps" on my bike (this is where an individual would either sit on the handle bars of my bike or stand on the two small screws on my back wheels) and I would escort them around the neighborhood. Steph was always a willing participant to receiving free pumps. Unfortunately, we acted like hillbillie children when we played outside and never wore shoes (a few years later she stepped on a rusty nail, which landed her in the ER, as well). Twice she got her ankle caught in the spokes of my bike (which was moving very fast) and would instantly remove the skin on her ankle and expose the bone. Yeah, I feel really bad about that. ;(

Anyone who hangs around a Woodson more than once knows we attract some special personalities. My mom and Stephanie seem to be the best at selecting them out of a crowd. Another Florida visit with the grandparents, this time we were much older, our dad had stopped at an Albertson's to grab something while the rest of us waited in the mini-van. As we waited, Steph found the most peculiar man at the pay phone. The entire conversation he was scratching his balls. I am not talking about a sneak scratch here-and-there, I am talking about a full-on, going to town, digging for gold (down under), non-stopping itching. He would lift his leg so he could get a better angle, change positions (while on the phone), scratch from the front, then scratch from the back, switch ears so he could use his other hand and "attack" the other side. It was all very disturbing. Truly a sight to behold! I dunno, I think he might of had crabs, not sure just a guess? ha. ;)

Ok, my last we-attract-crazy-people story (even though I could write an entire blog on our crazy people encounters), Steph who is naturally beautiful has had a fair share of douche bags try and hit on her. "Hey, little lady can I have your number?" As a defensive mechanism from the dreaded douche bag, she single-handedly invented the most creative way to avoid these losers. She simply taps the side of one of her ears, and in her best deaf girl voice says, "I can't hear you." Next thing she knows they are profusely apologizing for bothering her, "So sorry ma'am. Have a good day!" Simply genius.

There are so many stories I could tell about Stephanie from growing up. Here are some of the things I love about my number 2:

1. I love that she has the most hysterical sayings:

"Case closed," when she wants to point out she is right and you are wrong

"Laroooooo," when something is funny, taboo, or just to spice up the conversation

"Big Lady," what she calls her sisters

"Biggie Smalls," her nickname for me (because I am the big sister but the smallest sister)

2. She is very creative. She made the most adorable Halloween costumes for Stella and Madi (they were a black widow and snow cone). She invented "lighter condoms," (little cases that you could put your cigarette lighters in) they sold like hot-cakes at a concert.

3. I loved watching movies like the Breakfast Club (sometimes behind our parents back...don't you forget about me...hahaha). "Smoke-up Johnny," and Sleeping Beauty with her when we were growing up. Back then we could have quoted these movies.

4. I love that she is a morning girl. She is generally in bed super early (compared to Courtney and me) and wakes up completely refreshed, and ready to go before 9 a.m.

5. She has a love for sign language and is currently going to back to school. I love it when my sisters sign to me.

6. She is totally the life of the party. Everyone loves her and thinks she is a comedian.

7. I loved jumping on the trampoline growing up and double bouncing her. Somehow she would always end up falling off the trampoline and land on the ground, her skinny body a crumpled mess, and would be completely bruised but get right back up and start jumping again. 

8. She loves some Vegas-style Wheel of Fortune

9. She is the best story-teller. I love when she tells a story...completely entertaining!!

10. She has been an amazing mother to my two beautiful nieces! I am in awe of how hard she works and how much love she puts forth with her girls!

Happy Birthday, little sis!! I hope you have a wonderful day!! I just put your birthday gift in the mail. I hope you enjoy your meatloaf with fancy fixins from Cracker Barrel!